11.05.20

The sun decided to peak out again today, making me feel much more at ease than yesterday (read; yesterday night: drank a GT+ a glas of wine to drown my stress and sorrows. Note: not the best idea, but worked at the time).
I'm trying to study for my exams, but my motivation has completely vanished, making studying seem irrelevant to everything going on in the world.

I feel my body longing for something more, the sun making me want to go on dates but my anxious brain is worried about people not taking precautions given by the government to keep their distance. I don't want to get sick. I'm also worried I might not be able to say no if I get into an uncomfortable situation. Something I still need to work on. 

It's Monday. Last week was heavy. Small nice moments. There are always some small nice moments in the midst of everything chaotic blowing around, like a hurricane.
Thursday my friends and I went to a funeral to support one of our closest friends loosing her father. It was heartbreaking. Not being able to give hugs and be near in a time when thats all you want to do. It was nice seeing my friends again after two months, face-to-face. The situation, however, was not ideal, just very sad. 

I'm putting on a light blue dress 

with yellow flowers. Then my black vintage Chloé boots (my newest find, bought second hand- way under priced, I'm so in love). I pretend for a minute that I'm going out somewhere (maybe a little café in Paris) to eat breakfast. I'm taking the boots off, switching them with thick knitted socks and warm slippers, keeping my dress on. I'm having eggs for breakfast. Cuddling my dog. Watching videos on youtube that make me want to create, something alive. Wishing everything would go back to normal. But what is normal for me anyway? The way I lived before the crisis is not how I want to keep living, I'm longing to evolve, and I think I might be. Slowly. I've come a long way since last year. Two years feels like a lifetime ago. I have to keep reminding myself of that. I just do not want to having to worry about germs anymore.
 
That's all for now.
See you soon.