Am I whole?

It's Tuesday and catching myself in laughing without thinking that I don't really feel happy. That I'm just faking it. That I feel heavy. I've been feeling much lighter than I've done in a long time, and it feels so liberating. We've been dancing all day and I've been thinking about how I'm going to stop saying that I can't dance, because I'm actually getting better.

It's Friday and I'm finding it the best day in a long time. After dinner I get to bake a huge portion of brownie with two of the girls that live on the same floor as me. We need to wear a hairnet and we look ridiculous. We crack 30 eggs and use to 40kg sugar and four boxes of cacao. It seems like I can't crack an egg without getting some eggshell in the batter, and it's getting annoying so I surrender and let one of the girls show me a better method. We don't take it too seriously and laugh it off. Later I go to the mall with a friend and we laugh a lot at silly things, and I joke around. In the evening I sit together with a lot of people in the Design and Fashion room at school and watch people work on their costumes for the following evening for the student night that's going to have a Harry Potter theme. I'm making something that's supposed to look like a wand. I'm using a glue gun, but I wasn't able to fin normal glue, so i'm using glitter glue. Unfortunately I don't have anything to paint it brown with, so it ends up looking like I've been dripping candle wax over a stick. I stay up even though I know I should be going to bed and my eyelids are getting heavy. It feels like I'm getting to know people more as we're talking and it makes me happy. When I'm finally deciding to go to bed I peek into the room thats just across from mine and Isabel's, and see two bottles made of glas on the table. I go inside and sit on one of the beds. The two girls living there are very kind and we've become friends, so I know they don't mind me coming in. We pretend the wand I have been making is real. I listen to them talk to each other and about one another and it makes me comfortable. Around 1am I go to bed and fall asleep instantly.

    
It's Monday evening. Not long ago it was Sunday. Time goes by so quickly. I feel like a lost leaf, dancing in wind, before I sometimes find my peace on the ground. I feel myself getting very impatient for something to start, for the pieces to fit, for me to make my life the way I'd like to live. But how does one even do that? It feels like I'm having a little, tiny existential crisis every day, as I do what I'm supposed to and try not to get home sick too often. I listen to good music and all the negativity I put in my mind feels silly.

 
I try to think about what I'll be doing next year, trying to figure out every little detail. Planing, planing. Doing nothing. Going nowhere. But I'm here now. Day by day. It is nice. I can't say otherwise when someone ask.